She is the new generation financial consultant…when I say new generation I see your pupil getting large in anticipation…the image of this beautiful, young, dynamic, 36 24 36 chick in western formals flashing through your mind… sorry, I will have to disappoint you this time…This new generation financial consultant happens to be from the last generation… the beautiful and dynamic part is true though, not sure about the remaining ... in her younger days she would have had many eve teasers around…and she is one who can churn out dialogues to the customers and wash their brains with holy water flowing out of aqua guard such that those ignorant souls will consider even selling their homes and invest in insurance…That’s all I can tell you…and she happens to be the blogger's mom…so , show some respect guys…
This time its insurance jargon that you need to get familiar with…Sum assured, NAV, ULIP, FC, NOP, Nominee, Life assured, Policy holder and the big Ms like SM,BM,TM …
PH-Policy holder-The unfortunate fellow who has fallen prey to the agent who makes him believe that unless his life is insured there is every chance that he won’t see the next day sun…
NAV-Net Asset Value-popularly known as Notorious Asset Value in this part of the world…it is something which is indeterminably proportional to sensex…when sensex is high NAV can be high or low and when sensex is low, god knows NAV will exist or not…now don’t ask me what sensex is…it has got nothing to do with sex, that’s all I know…
FC-Financial Consultant in corporate vocabulary, known as insurance agent in local slang…In chemistry we have this IUPAC nomenclature where they make the life of people hard by naming things like paracetamol as 2,2,3-acitamidophenol. It’s the same in insurance.
SM,BM,TM- Sales Manager, Branch Manager and Territory Manager respectively. You will get to know more about these guys as you proceed…but be careful even while you read about these big Ms because these are people living inside pressure cookers and a blast furnace burning under them so they can be inflammable…
Life assured- the mortal human who is fond of his life than his near and dear that he insures himself…in case he perishes his family will get the money that has been assured….in some rare cases he is more fond of his near and dear than himself, that he insures someone other than himself so that if something happens to the other person he will get the money that’s been assured.
Health and Wealth policies…A wide spectrum of diseases from common cold to hepatitis B are covered… and when the policy holder gets admitted to the hospital…well, the following conversation will give you how the company takes care of its policy holder
PH: I have cold and flu, Doctors said I will have to be here for 1 week and this is pay ward as you know
Agent: Don’t worry sir, we will take care of the expense…
Agent then consults SM…
SM: No, we can’t bear the expense, because the condition clearly states that it’s either fever or cold, if someone has both of this then the company won’t pay a single rupee…
In another case there were no such loop holes for the company to find out, the SM then consults the BM before paying the bill…
BM: Wait, let’s get the blood sample tested
SM: But sir, this is inflammation to the upper jaw and why do we need a blood sample?
BM: Samples yield loop holes.
And the blood test saved the company that time, the Policy holder had something called Berry Berry even before taking the policy, so as per the conditions which always apply, the company is innocent.
BM: See, this is what I said…By heart the names of few such unknown diseases like berry berry … leshmaniasis...Rheumatic arthritis… hemorrhoid, we will need them!
(If the customer has anything like this which he is ignorant about before he is a policy holder then the company doesn’t have to pay him a penny as hospital reimbursement.)
SM: Sir, you mean Hemorrhage?
BM: No, Hemorrhage is what the policy holder gets when he comes to know that we won’t be paying the bills…This is Hemorrhoid. Half of India’s population suffers from hemorrhoid …it’s popularly known as piles…
Few encounters with prospective customers, SM, BM encounters and exchanges between FC and her son are below …
FC: We guarantee 20% returns at the end of 5th year…
Customer: I would be glad if I get back 20% of the sum that I have invested!!!
FC: (He seems to know some facts)
Customer: Yes, I know what you are thinking, my daughter also works in insurance.
If by mistake the poor thing agrees to invest, then the procedures that the customer needs to follow is pretty much like that of getting a loan from one of those nationalized banks…To get a loan you will have to first prove to the bank that you don’t actually need it…
If you are the customer then you need to give us proof of address, proof of age, proof that you are the so and so mentioned in address, identification mark and if you don’t have one yet then we are capable of leaving a mark on you…nominees age proof, if nominee is your wife then proof that nominee indeed is your wife and if you and nominee have a kid then proof that the kid you have is born to you and nominee…in short, once you agree to be a policy holder, then astrologically speaking Saturn is right above your head.
Son: Mom, you heard, Sankaran uncle passed away last night
FC: What???
Son: Yes, dad just now called and said, it was heart attack.
FC: Even my heart is aching now!
Son: Mom, relax. Take some rest.
FC: Day before, Sankaran had promised to take a policy worth 2 lakhs the coming week….
Son: Oh, that 2 lakhs also gone…………………….perhaps you explained the conditions of the company in detail to him.
FC: Oh God, now where will I find 2 lakhs from……………
Son: By the way, what did you do with Dr.Jose?
FC : Dr.Jose was born on 1951 , he is 59 years now…so, he is over aged even for pension plans, but our TM , as you know, is a good mathematician…he changed the DoB to 1959 and Jose’s age changed to 51 !
Son: This is not mathematics, this is blasphemy…
FC: I forgot to tell you, I have got hold of VB.
Son: VB? You mean Visual Basic…?
FC: No you nutt…VB is Vidya Balan
Son: You mean actress Vidya Balan????
FC: Then what, you know some other Vidya Balan or what??
Son: I don’t think so.
FC: Well, only today I came to know that we are actually related to Vidya
Son: Oh yes, every Brahmin in this world is related to each other in one way or the other …and how exactly is this one connected to us ?
FC: Well, VB is a distant cousin of Parameswaran uncle
Son: Okay so how is Parameswaran uncle related to us?
FC: He is a distant cousin of Panjali aunty
Son: Panjali aunty? The one in mahabarath?
FC: Panajali aunty who is in Chennai is a distant cousin of the mother in law of Rukmini
Son: You mean your sister Rukmini?
FC: Yes…got the connection…?
Son: I guess it will take some time before I get this connection right…
FC: So I wish you could go to Mumbai and meet VB and get a policy…also we share the same village ancestry in Palakkad…
Son: Oh yes, now VB has to oblige, how can she turn down her village mates
FC: Stop it Raj…I am serious, I will get an appointment with VB and fix everything via phone, you just go to Mumbai and get the policy signed, will you?
Son: I prefer Goa actually
FC: What?
Son: No, I was thinking about going for the movie named Goa
FC: No use of talking to this useless…I‘d rather tell my SM to send someone else from office…
Son: Heard that Actress Priya Mani is a cousin of Vidya. You may want to send someone to her also.
FC: Is it??? I will keep that in mind.
Son: By the way, what did you do with that carpenter?
FC: Couldn’t do anything…He doesn’t have any children who can be a nominee
Son: What’s wrong with his wife?
FC: She is infected with ghost. So, she can’t be a nominee.
Son: Wow! Ghost infected nominee! Never heard that before. Now don’t tell me the ghost is called nagavalli and it speaks Tamil and knows bharatnatyam and lifts a cot with its left hand… can we do some regression therapy on his wife and then get to know more about the ghosts family at least , if they are somewhere in the vicinity then , you know they are prospective clients !
FC: Shut up…the problem is , I need a nominee and they don’t have kids and children doesn’t come out in a fortnight…its when they talk about having a child the ghost shows its presence…If I give his wife as the nominee and then what if this ghost says that the money belongs to it…
Son: Mom you stay away from that ghost, okay. No company is going to insure a ghost…the very purpose of insurance is that it’s to be done before we all become ghosts…
Our FC continues with her adventures, I am taking a momentary halt for now…
Readers...If you are planning to visit me at home, then beware, you will have to swim through the pool of policies where an FC Crocodile is lying in ambush to pounce on you.
