She is the new generation financial consultant…when I say new generation I see your pupil getting large in anticipation…the image of this beautiful, young, dynamic, 36 24 36 chick in western formals flashing through your mind… sorry, I will have to disappoint you this time…This new generation financial consultant happens to be from the last generation… the beautiful and dynamic part is true though, not sure about the remaining ... in her younger days she would have had many eve teasers around…and she is one who can churn out dialogues to the customers and wash their brains with holy water flowing out of aqua guard such that those ignorant souls will consider even selling their homes and invest in insurance…That’s all I can tell you…and she happens to be the blogger's mom…so , show some respect guys…
This time its insurance jargon that you need to get familiar with…Sum assured, NAV, ULIP, FC, NOP, Nominee, Life assured, Policy holder and the big Ms like SM,BM,TM …
PH-Policy holder-The unfortunate fellow who has fallen prey to the agent who makes him believe that unless his life is insured there is every chance that he won’t see the next day sun…
NAV-Net Asset Value-popularly known as Notorious Asset Value in this part of the world…it is something which is indeterminably proportional to sensex…when sensex is high NAV can be high or low and when sensex is low, god knows NAV will exist or not…now don’t ask me what sensex is…it has got nothing to do with sex, that’s all I know…
FC-Financial Consultant in corporate vocabulary, known as insurance agent in local slang…In chemistry we have this IUPAC nomenclature where they make the life of people hard by naming things like paracetamol as 2,2,3-acitamidophenol. It’s the same in insurance.
SM,BM,TM- Sales Manager, Branch Manager and Territory Manager respectively. You will get to know more about these guys as you proceed…but be careful even while you read about these big Ms because these are people living inside pressure cookers and a blast furnace burning under them so they can be inflammable…
Life assured- the mortal human who is fond of his life than his near and dear that he insures himself…in case he perishes his family will get the money that has been assured….in some rare cases he is more fond of his near and dear than himself, that he insures someone other than himself so that if something happens to the other person he will get the money that’s been assured.
Health and Wealth policies…A wide spectrum of diseases from common cold to hepatitis B are covered… and when the policy holder gets admitted to the hospital…well, the following conversation will give you how the company takes care of its policy holder
PH: I have cold and flu, Doctors said I will have to be here for 1 week and this is pay ward as you know
Agent: Don’t worry sir, we will take care of the expense…
Agent then consults SM…
SM: No, we can’t bear the expense, because the condition clearly states that it’s either fever or cold, if someone has both of this then the company won’t pay a single rupee…
In another case there were no such loop holes for the company to find out, the SM then consults the BM before paying the bill…
BM: Wait, let’s get the blood sample tested
SM: But sir, this is inflammation to the upper jaw and why do we need a blood sample?
BM: Samples yield loop holes.
And the blood test saved the company that time, the Policy holder had something called Berry Berry even before taking the policy, so as per the conditions which always apply, the company is innocent.
BM: See, this is what I said…By heart the names of few such unknown diseases like berry berry … leshmaniasis...Rheumatic arthritis… hemorrhoid, we will need them!
(If the customer has anything like this which he is ignorant about before he is a policy holder then the company doesn’t have to pay him a penny as hospital reimbursement.)
SM: Sir, you mean Hemorrhage?
BM: No, Hemorrhage is what the policy holder gets when he comes to know that we won’t be paying the bills…This is Hemorrhoid. Half of India’s population suffers from hemorrhoid …it’s popularly known as piles…
Few encounters with prospective customers, SM, BM encounters and exchanges between FC and her son are below …
FC: We guarantee 20% returns at the end of 5th year…
Customer: I would be glad if I get back 20% of the sum that I have invested!!!
FC: (He seems to know some facts)
Customer: Yes, I know what you are thinking, my daughter also works in insurance.
If by mistake the poor thing agrees to invest, then the procedures that the customer needs to follow is pretty much like that of getting a loan from one of those nationalized banks…To get a loan you will have to first prove to the bank that you don’t actually need it…
If you are the customer then you need to give us proof of address, proof of age, proof that you are the so and so mentioned in address, identification mark and if you don’t have one yet then we are capable of leaving a mark on you…nominees age proof, if nominee is your wife then proof that nominee indeed is your wife and if you and nominee have a kid then proof that the kid you have is born to you and nominee…in short, once you agree to be a policy holder, then astrologically speaking Saturn is right above your head.
Son: Mom, you heard, Sankaran uncle passed away last night
FC: What???
Son: Yes, dad just now called and said, it was heart attack.
FC: Even my heart is aching now!
Son: Mom, relax. Take some rest.
FC: Day before, Sankaran had promised to take a policy worth 2 lakhs the coming week….
Son: Oh, that 2 lakhs also gone…………………….perhaps you explained the conditions of the company in detail to him.
FC: Oh God, now where will I find 2 lakhs from……………
Son: By the way, what did you do with Dr.Jose?
FC : Dr.Jose was born on 1951 , he is 59 years now…so, he is over aged even for pension plans, but our TM , as you know, is a good mathematician…he changed the DoB to 1959 and Jose’s age changed to 51 !
Son: This is not mathematics, this is blasphemy…
FC: I forgot to tell you, I have got hold of VB.
Son: VB? You mean Visual Basic…?
FC: No you nutt…VB is Vidya Balan
Son: You mean actress Vidya Balan????
FC: Then what, you know some other Vidya Balan or what??
Son: I don’t think so.
FC: Well, only today I came to know that we are actually related to Vidya
Son: Oh yes, every Brahmin in this world is related to each other in one way or the other …and how exactly is this one connected to us ?
FC: Well, VB is a distant cousin of Parameswaran uncle
Son: Okay so how is Parameswaran uncle related to us?
FC: He is a distant cousin of Panjali aunty
Son: Panjali aunty? The one in mahabarath?
FC: Panajali aunty who is in Chennai is a distant cousin of the mother in law of Rukmini
Son: You mean your sister Rukmini?
FC: Yes…got the connection…?
Son: I guess it will take some time before I get this connection right…
FC: So I wish you could go to Mumbai and meet VB and get a policy…also we share the same village ancestry in Palakkad…
Son: Oh yes, now VB has to oblige, how can she turn down her village mates
FC: Stop it Raj…I am serious, I will get an appointment with VB and fix everything via phone, you just go to Mumbai and get the policy signed, will you?
Son: I prefer Goa actually
FC: What?
Son: No, I was thinking about going for the movie named Goa
FC: No use of talking to this useless…I‘d rather tell my SM to send someone else from office…
Son: Heard that Actress Priya Mani is a cousin of Vidya. You may want to send someone to her also.
FC: Is it??? I will keep that in mind.
Son: By the way, what did you do with that carpenter?
FC: Couldn’t do anything…He doesn’t have any children who can be a nominee
Son: What’s wrong with his wife?
FC: She is infected with ghost. So, she can’t be a nominee.
Son: Wow! Ghost infected nominee! Never heard that before. Now don’t tell me the ghost is called nagavalli and it speaks Tamil and knows bharatnatyam and lifts a cot with its left hand… can we do some regression therapy on his wife and then get to know more about the ghosts family at least , if they are somewhere in the vicinity then , you know they are prospective clients !
FC: Shut up…the problem is , I need a nominee and they don’t have kids and children doesn’t come out in a fortnight…its when they talk about having a child the ghost shows its presence…If I give his wife as the nominee and then what if this ghost says that the money belongs to it…
Son: Mom you stay away from that ghost, okay. No company is going to insure a ghost…the very purpose of insurance is that it’s to be done before we all become ghosts…
Our FC continues with her adventures, I am taking a momentary halt for now…
Readers...If you are planning to visit me at home, then beware, you will have to swim through the pool of policies where an FC Crocodile is lying in ambush to pounce on you.
This time it’s the summer of 2006...The names used are nick names but they are original. Few of the events during infinITy have been distorted slightly for some unknown reasons and only a tenth of the whole story is being unfolded here because the original is infinitely long as the name suggests!
S8--the semester of adieus, the semester of relief for some, the semester of agony for many, the semester that gets over like a hundred meter race featuring Usain Bolt ! Perhaps the only semester in which some of us get to feature in photographs and that's only because class photos of the proud passing out batches are mandatory for the next edition of college magazine...
We, the 8th semester of computer science didn't have plans to pass out like just another batch. As per our ex- HOD we were the batch that brought disgrace to the whole department, if not the whole college, with our aggregates! And it’s not a real passing out actually, because half of the class is going to come back for the arrear exams 2 months later...so, phrases like passing out, convocation, rank holder etc are not to be taken in the literal sense...
Our college never had the history of a conventional convocation, the kind you see in movies in which graduates throw their convocation hats high into the air and embrace each other and parents come and hug their child....tear dropping scenes! This never happens here, perhaps the 'bachelors' are too worried of getting back their own hats after throwing them up in the air! And parents coming to college, which would rather bring nightmares to the respective offspring...
Computer science wanted to wash away that disgrace tag by doing something special in the last semester.
After the monthly feast, the think tank met at one of the hostel rooms and discussed possible options at length...few of those were
Ranju: Why don’t we conduct some seminar on emerging technologies?
Pukoi: Oh yes, and the audience will yawn from dawn to dusk. And what is special about that?
We should do something big, spanning 2, 3 days.
Vinu: Yeah, this sms-generation can’t tolerate something like seminars.
Jeff: Burn our HOD's Lambretta ? The after effects will last for more than 2 or 3 days in that case!
Pachu: Jeff, are you drunk?
Jeff: Why, is this some kind of global summit going on where the premiers are supposed to attend without boozing? I am seriously thinking about what I said, if this time also that bugger fails me in the practicals then I will burn his scooter along with his ass, I swear.
Pachu: Jeff, I will light the torch for you to do something constructive like that, now let’s get serious. boss, you got any ideas? Why don’t we do some national level thing?
Jeff: Yeah, go and see the Tajmahal, that will be national level...
Boss: Guys, let’s conduct a national level competition along with quiz, game shows and other stuff.
Ranju: OK, what competition?
PP: How about project presentation competition?
Pachu: and what exactly is that?
Boss: Students from colleges across the country will come and present their projects, the one they do in final year or different ones.
Jeff: across the country...is this Maldives we are in?
Ranju: Shut up Jeff. Boss, it seems to be a good idea, and we will also conduct mock press, quiz, game show, open forum
PP: Fashion show also?
Pachu: PP, this isn't the 'fine arts'.
PP: Yeah, I know. Atleast we should put a rule that contestants should come in western formals, so that we can get a glimpse of the artifacts that are arriving. And teams of 5 should include atleast 2 girls.
Jeff: Oh yes, and we will make you the event manager!
PP: I prefer to look after the accommodation of the (female) contestants.
Ranju: and then we will have to look after you in the general ward of the medical college nearby.
Jeff: No general ward for PP, we will put him in pay ward with more than one sisters to look him after.
Pachu: By the time he is discharged sisters will become mothers!
Ranju: Okay guys, what’s the budget? Don’t forget, it’s national level.
Boss: 1 lakh?
Pachu: Dude we are doing this for the first and last time, let’s make it big, 2 lakhs, what say ?
To which others agreed.
Pachu: And how much do we have with us now?
Jeff: Half a bottle is there in my room...
Boss: we can get 25K from PTA fund another 25K from our department fund and the rest we need to find out.
PP: find out? What does that mean? Some girl has hidden it in the usual way they do it ?
Ranju: PP, did you finish the other half bottle that Jeff was mentioning?
Pukoi: Well, we will have to get sponsors and donations from kind hearted natives.
Ranju: Okay and how much time do we have?
Pachu: Approximately 2 months from now?
Boss: Yes, and then we have our 'university' approaching,
PP: so, the sessionals should be before the 'University'
Pukoi: we don’t have time for that, Rep will have to get hold of the HOD and persuade him to keep the sessionals after the 'university'
Rep: Sounds mission impossible. Let me see.
Jeff: OK guys, let’s stop burning the mid night oil now
Pachu: Boss, so you announce this tomorrow in the department meeting and Rep, you brief the HOD and Princi early in the morning.
Few days after that. The anticipated financial aid from PTA fund didn't materialise because the PTA was bankrupt and the department was nearing bankruptcy...that was anticipated though! So we had to find the whole 2 lakhs for the program - which was named infinITy. That meant nonstop work for all of us. We had to go to colleges to invite teams, meet sponsors, meet natives for donations, create fixtures for events, post banners and notices across the town, get judges to evaluate projects and other competitions, manage food and accommodation for contestants and volunteers, skip assignments and class tests and much more...
For this, numerous committees were formed with a final year fellow as the head and juniors to hold this head erect.
the stingiest of them all-Pokoi and DJ were made head of financial committee...who always complained about lack of funds and the lakhs that needed to be found out.
So, everyone was nerve wreckingly busy with infinITy. Skirmishes between committees were frequent, but it’s all part of a national level competition. Now national level meant, teams had to come from across the country?....not exactly, atleast one team from outside the state will make it national level and that team will be from Mangalore. The reason being, Mangalore is as near as the next district
Committees were sent to all corners of Malabar where humans possibly existed and to give some entertainment to the committee members, each committee comprised of 1 or 2 chicks.
They had to bag sponsors and few thousands as donations.
PP: DJ, we are going to the town, 7 of us. Need fund for bus fare
DJ: OK , here take this 50 bucks.
PP: Are you kidding, 50 bucks! a ticket alone costs 7 and then we may need to catch auto to go to the suburbs and then we need to return, Also it will get late so we need to have food...
DJ: For all this, committee NEEDS to have money.
PP: What do you expect us to do , take few xeroxes of the 50 and use it ???
DJ: Relax PP....once you get few sponsors today, then there is no hurry for you to return, so an evening walk back to the hostel is the need of the hour. To make it more refreshing you may include Sajna also in the team...the walk will be memorable!
To that PP had to yield because the new inclusion was too enticing to ignore.
*************
Now there is hardly a month for infinITy. By now 26 colleges have agreed to take part including the one from Mangalore. The prizes we offered were lucrative. The budget was staring at us arrogantly like our HOD.The committee heads were frantically running healter skelter across Malabar...I was cunning enough to disassociate myself from all committees and go after something else which lied at the Capital.
That night at the hostel, Jeff's room...
Ranju: Only half of the funds have been collected, no sponsors for the main event yet.
Pukoi: Everyone in our class is in debt. Can’t go to the coffee house and canteen for food, the debt under our Association Secretary there has touched thousands.
Pachu: Boss is also in debt?
Vinu: Yes! Will have to find some ornaments from the girls to mortgage.
Boss alias the world bank of our class was in debt, signaled height of bankruptcy.
Ranju: OK, so, who is gona be the chief guest for the program?
Pukoi: Education minister?
Pachu: Now, we will have to go to Trivandrum for that, I think District collector will do. He is nearby.
Rep: Collector sounds too mediocre, Pachu, as you said earlier, we need to make it big.
Pachu: Dood, so who do you think we should approach ?
Rep: Let me see what I can do.
Vinu: Guys, there is time to finalize about this chief guest thing ,Let’s look at more immediate necessities
Jeff: Yeah, let me go to the toilet and then to bed and you guys may go to the collector or minister or whoever.
Jeff's necessity was the most immediate indeed !
Inviting Education Minister, there is nothing special in that, and Collector sounds too minuscule...All those collectors reading this, kindly excuse, I know you guys have burned the midnight oil to gain those 3 letters called IAS , but that notwithstanding.
I wanted some big name as the chief guest. Why not it be the biggest name in India?
It’s time for me to interrupt ,I am one in the class. I was mistakenly chosen as the class representative once, and ever since I came to be known as the Rep.
The biggest name in India was at the Capital- New Delhi and it was Abdul Kalam the President. A P J Abdul Kalam to be precise .Yes, when the initials are expanded it’s literally a big name!
After a massive search operation in Google, I got the number of Rashtrapathi Bhavan. But calling the Rashtrapathi in phone, will have to think seriously about the repercussions.
I haven't spoke to someone of this stature in my life, I could feel my heart in my mouth as I reached the booth, My mobile never had enough balance to make STDs, also it will be more difficult to trace the one who calls from a booth if at all the president decides to book me for some offense unknown to me.
I am gona call, come what may.
The phone was picked up on the second ring !
Lady at the other end: Welcome to Rashtrapathi Bhavan.
My voice was slightly trembling, but I was relieved that it was not Kalam who picked up the phone directly!
Rep: Hello, I am calling from Kerala, I am a college student. Can I speak to the President?
Sometimes when you are tensed, you act before you think inorder to get over that moment of truth!
The lady at the other end didn't reply for few seconds, perhaps the outrageousness of my reply was deafening !
Lady: Please hold on, I will connect you.
Rep: You mean to the President ?
Lady: No, to his secretary.
And another male voice answered...
I gave him my details.
Rep: Sir, is it possible to speak to the President ?
Secretary: No, that's not possible, Please tell me in brief what is that you want.
Rep: I want the president to come to my college as the chief guest for a function. It’s next month.
Secretary: Please send us the details in fax or post.
and he hung up.
Now , I had to write a letter to Kalam, reading which he should board the next plane and come to our college. But writing letters is not as easy as sending sms, you need grammar, spelling and you had some protocol thing to observe when you write letters to president, who will I ask, is there anyone nearby who has written letters to the president ?
How am I supposed to address him ?
Dear president? Dear Mr.Kalam? Kalam Uncle? (sounds dramatic) Dear Sir? Yes that will do, maybe in the next letter I will get more personal.
And the letter was written highlighting the inevitability of a chief guest for any program and underscoring the necessity of him as the chief guest.
Along with the letter, the posters and other stuff of infinITy was sent. But this alone won’t do, I will have to do more STDs to Delhi.
In the next 2 weeks, I called to the Rashtrapathi Bhavan nearly 15 times and 15 different people from the president's office attended the phone. I repeated the same story to all of them. How many does this fellow has in his office? Finally I managed to get hold of the personal secretary Mr. Tangappan. Getting this one in phone itself was an ordeal
Secretary: You see, the presidents programs are fixed 3 months in advance. And there is no scheduled visit to Kerala in the coming 6 months. We have to follow certain protocols in this.
Rep: Sir, this is the question of our pride, I mean computer science needs to save it’s face and Mr. Kalam is our saviour!
Secretary: I saw your poster and letter, it’s quite impressive.
Rep: Thank you sir, but Mr.Kalam didn't see it?
In between Mr. Tangappan uttered a word in Malayalam by mistake. The rest was easy.
After 10 minutes of unending conversation,
Secretary: OK, OK I will mention about infinITy to the President and let me see what can be done, you call tomorrow at the same time and ask for me.
The next day same time.
Again, my heart was beating somewhere around the 130s , I got the personal secretary online without any ordeal this time, perhaps, like my university, the Rashtrapathi Bhavan has got used to me !
Secretary: Well, the president has agreed to come, we consider your invitation as official. But as per the rules, your principal needs to invite the President officially. We will inform your principal within 2 days after that about the visit and further details. We will send our security team in 7 days from then to assess the level of security that needs to be implemented.
Rep: Thankkkkkk you Sirrrrrrr....
That thank you conveyed a hundred meanings, a sense of relief, a sense pride, a sense of nervousness, a sense of fear,a sense of numbness, a sense of arrogance...why not...I,I,...I am bringing Kalam to the college, Kalam the president of the Republic of India, my role model, is coming to my college on my request. This is no ordinary thing. Even 100 collectors won’t stand before 1 Kalam.
Now, this is starting to become too hi-fi , I can’t handle this alone anymore, will have to discuss about further plans with someone....Pachu, save my soul.
Pachu was busy with his Laptop.
Rep: Dood, got something serious to discuss, let’s go to the beach!
Pachu: Beach? To discuss something serious? There is something seriously wrong with you!
Now, tell me what it is ? As you know, we don’t have any main sponsors yet , I am experiencing tension at it’s height, no time for beach now.
Rep: I don’t care about the main sponsors, MP3 and team has gone on the hunt for main sponsors, he will bag someone, don’t worry. I got something bigger to tell you.
Pachu: Bigger than the main sponsors? Don’t forget, the main sponsorship is of 25k.
Rep: Dood, as the add. says, there are few things money can’t buy...I gota tell something about the chief guest...
Pachu: I was about to tell you that, Education minister's office replied that he won’t be able to make it, We tried our VC , but for our University, VC is a nonexistent entity. Now, we only have the Collector left.
Boss is too busy, so you need to go to the Collectorate, take Sajna also with you. She knows someone in the Collectorate and you enjoy some fringe benefits along with!
Rep: OK, that’s enough. Now fasten your seat belts and listen to me.
Abdul Kalam is coming to our college as the chief guest.
Pachu: Perhaps we should go to the beach itself. You seriously need to cool down a bit. Relax dood, don’t take everything on your head, we all are here. Don't worry we will get the funds, you take a shower and have your supper.
Rep: You nutt , I will have to really fasten you to something if you go on like this. OK , once again for the hearing impaired.
I said The President APJ Abdul Kalam is coming to our college as the chief guest of infinITy.
And I uncovered all the adventures I had with RPB alias Rashtrapathi Bhavan, and he hugged me like the hero in those Hindi movies who is seeing the heroine after 6 years in prison.
Pachu: dood, this is serious, what is that we need to do next, what all arrangements do we need to make, will he do a student interaction program after the inauguration. But where did you get the money for so many STDs.
Rep: Your watch is missing for the last few days, right?
I gave it to bsnl as STDs to Delhi. Sorry dood, my watch had already met its destiny during my trip to Mangalore to invite the colleges there.
Pachu: You nutt, you could have told me, anyways, leave it. So, let’s do a Kalam Action Plan. Let’s call boss, Ranju and Pokoi also.
Rep: Wait, we will discuss things first. We need to have a committee for him,to manage the chief guest related matters. Kalam Committee.
Pachu: Kalam’ity!
Rep: We will have Pokoi, Unnimaya and Sudeesh Sir along with both of us in kalam'ity.
Pachu: dood, this is really great stuff. If Kalam comes to our college, then you will be a hero, computer science will be on top of the world. Our college won’t be the same after that. MNCs will start to come to our college for placement. The state government will give a face lift to our college. Our department will be made to NIT standards. Maybe the university will give a waiver to your arrears also :)
Let’s go to the Princi and brief him. He will be in his quarters, right?
Rep: I checked out, he has gone to his native for the weekend, we will have to wait until Monday. Till then you keep your lips sealed, you get me?
Pachu: OK,OK. Hopefully kalam'ity won’t become a calamity by then!
Rep: Yeah, it won’t, unless he falls and breaks his hand.
On the next day me and Pachu drafted a detail plan for Kalam, infact, I secretly wrote a speech to give on stage. But will it be against the so called protocol, will they allow me to speak ? Only the Association Secretary and Chairman from students will be speaking on stage. I will somehow find a way to share stage with him atleast for a few minutes, they can’t push me aside like that. Will have a deal with the principal tomorrow.
It was Sunday night and surprisingly it was raining with thunder and lightning, perhaps the town was cooling itself before the arrival of Kalam. I was at the mess hall in hostel for dinner, the TV was on. It was some football match in espn , in between someone tuned to NDTV, I saw 'breaking news'...and the next thunder took the current away...
Next day morning...there was hardly any time to read papers, I was getting ready to meet the principal, left a message to Pachu to be there at 9.
It’s 8.55 , Pachu has not yet come, I called him.
Rep: Hey you are not coming ?
Pachu: I was about to ring you, don’t meet the princi now. We need to talk.
Rep: Why, what happened ?
Pachu: You saw the papers ?
Rep: No, didn’t get time. I am going to enter princi's room. Will see you after that.
Pachu: Dood, wait for me to come, no use of meeting the princi again.
Rep: will you tell me what’s the matter?
Pachu: It’s in the papers, calamity has struck kalam'ity!
Rep: Dood, I don’t have time for jokes now.
Pachu: Check out the papers and then you decide whether to meet the princi.
I went to the library and got a daily.
It was there in the first page itself.
"President Kalam falls in the bathroom and fractures his arm, doctors advise rest for 3 weeks. President admitted to Army Hospital , New Delhi, his condition is now stable. All programs of president canceled for the next 3 weeks."
Calamity indeed ! Now, I am not stable. Why are the books in the shelves spinning ? why are my eyes getting blurred ? Whats happening ?
"hello, get up. are you okay ? " the voice of the librarian was reverberating like an echo...cold water has been sprinkled all over my face.
A familiar face was staring at me and wiping the water off my face. Oh, it’s Pachu.
"Get up dood, its okay."
"He hasn't had his breakfast and as you all know we are busy with infinITy, so he is a bit tired, that's all." Pachu said to the onlookers.
Onlooker: don’t ignore your health like this, or else the next time you might faint in the middle of the road and it won’t be the same.
Pachu took me to the canteen.
"Dood, I am sorry, he did precisely as you said, broke his hand in the bathroom." Pachu was trying to console me, but he didn't knew how to!
"He not only did that but also made me faint for the first time in my life" I couldn't hide my anger which came out of disappointment.
"Relax dood, thank god you didn't meet the principal." I was hurrying to meet you, heard that the news was there in TV yesterday night itself." Pachu said.
Oh, the flash news that got struck by lightning last night was this!
Why didn't that lightening just stroke me. Infact it did ,but it was the next morning.
Now , it has to be the minuscule collector who got all the bashing even before coming to our college. Now he is appearing as an all pervading omnipotence! IAS isn't that bad a degree.
By the time infinITy was inaugurated we got funds exceeding our expected budget. Mp3 infact bagged the main sponsors, the whole event was a big success with all the 26 colleges taking part, the College from Managalore walked away with the first prize of 15000.Everything was managed very well with the co operation of students and lecturers and contestants.
We got a profit of 40000 at the end of the event, thanks to the finance committee.
1 week later...
That day we had an unofficial department meeting to celebrate the success of infinITy.
That morning, one of my friends told me that there was a letter waiting for me in the co operative store.
I went there, but no traces of the letter. It was getting late for the meeting, I went to the seminar hall without searching further.
In the hall. Almost every student of Computer Science was present along with lecturers, HOD, Principal.
Sudeesh sir was the one to do the honours. He had a mischievous smile in his face.
He started with the usual stuff and then deviated...
"...for the last one month, someone here was too busy doing STDs to Delhi. He was trying to bring the honourable President of India to our college as the chief guest of infinITy! If he wouldn't have had a fall in the bathroom, then Abdul Kalam would have been our chief guest! Now Mr.Kalam has written a letter to us extending wishes to infinITy. I believe this letter certainly deserves an applause."
and the seminar hall applauded.
"I would like to add from the letter, the president is sorry that he couldn't make it to the function due to some unavoidable circumstances. However, during the second week of next month the president has a scheduled visit to Mangalore, he wishes to visit our college on the same day and have a student interaction program. He adds that the genuineness of the invitation that he got from our college couldn't be ignored."
"The one who wrote the letter to Kalam, the one who sent the invitation, the one who sold his friends watch to do 2 dozen STDs to the Rashtrapathi Bhavan, the one who fainted in the library, he is the one responsible for this, he is none other than our own 'rep' I call him upon the Dais to say a few words."
I couldn't move...
Kalam is coming, he has written a letter mentioning the invitation that I had sent, sir calling me to the stage, pachu, pp, pokoi all coming and hugging me, the thunderous ovation that was echoing. All this kept happening around me, I was numb, is this what they call déjà vu?
I was literally lifted to the Dias. Pachu was whispering
"Dood, I had to tell everything about kalam'ity to sir."
My throat was dry, my mind was blank. Now, I needed to speak.
"Ladies and gentleman, yes, the honourable president Mr. Abdul Kalam is indeed coming to our college, Computer Science is bringing him. Let’s do it in style. Thank you."
For a change, this time the blogger lets me speak, maybe because his friends and co workers are circumspect about having a conversation with him and he has ran out of topics. He shamelessly publishes all that he hears and speaks in his blog, perhaps, as he has written, it’s his way of celebrating life and the best impressions of life reach him when he is with his friends…But its necessary sometimes, to look at you through someone else’s eyes to know more about yourself!
Usually, we mobiles never speak….or never get a chance to speak…even though lot is being spoken through us…we have always remained silent…. talkatively silent, I would say! I am the blogger’s mobile or ex-mobile, now…I have been with my owner for the last 4 years…and I have seen life unfolding in and around me, not only my owners life but many lives….I have witnessed different shades and seasons of life…
Before I came to the owners hand I was jailed for almost a year without any address….the owner’s mom felt that he should clear all his arrears and then only he is worthy enough to own me…it was the most distinguished honour I ever got ! but I don’t think I deserved it…after 1 year of sentence I was set free and I met my owner…perhaps his mother realized that the owner wont be using me for another 4 years if he was to clear all his arrears…and by that time I will be nearing retirement, she was right though! And hence I got the 10 numeral address in 2005 and the owner began feeding me with charge. It was his final year at college and knowing my owners character I thought I wouldn’t have to work so much…but I was wrong!
I was late by 1 year for launch and slightly old fashioned then itself, but the owner never treated me like that, he was as excited to see me as he was seeing some show stopper…even though I don’t sing and wink, he never felt it as a limitation. What matters is, how well one uses what is available and my owner was good at it, even if he wasn’t at times, he was smart enough to know the ones who knew how to make use of the available resources….
Pardon me if I am causing confusion or if I sound a bit gizmo, I am quite unaware of the way how you humans appreciate literature, all I got to see these 4 years was texting which never really needs grammar or spelling, but I have also come across messages which were poems sometimes, anger sometimes, laughter sometimes, disappointment sometimes, break up sometimes, relief sometimes and love sometimes. I have seen the blush, the shyness and the skip of heart beat occasionally.
There were few among us , the 36 24 36 models who could sing for hours on end and wink on the click on a G spot and then the impressions in front will be imprinted on their brain and sometimes in the respective owner’s heart…but they never gave me any competition ! Strange it would sound, but it was because of the person my owner was and the kind of friends he had.
During final year he used to recharge the sim as you would say, or feed my brain I would say, regularly but then he had no one but his mom and dad to call…so initially I had not much of work but then the owner was too much involved in his friends’ matters and he used to do conditional feeding or, offer recharges in your lingo and give me away to his friends and that’s when I came across life unfolding in different colours. I was colour blind but I could feel this irony called life, that you humans think is the ultimate truth, unfolding through me as messages and conversations and songs and abuses and smileys….
The owner’s roomie at the hostel used me more than the owner, but I never got to hear any romance in his calls and his messages weren’t particularly flowery either…
I got to knew that this roomie has had his time when I was still in prison…and now he is kind of retired or taken time off, that’s why the romance part was absent…
This roomie was known to be a charmer, chick-charmer as we mobiles say. If I had arrived earlier may be I would have been of help but it was a quadrilateral, I wont say a love quadrilateral, perhaps a quadrilateral of misunderstandings between friends…even though the angle of inclination was more between roomie and the girl, roomie deliberately disassociated himself from the quadrilateral…but he was hurt badly…and so was the girl…
These humans, when they follow their hearts they hardly listen to their brain and when these hearts get hurt, it gets so afraid that it never dares to manipulate the human again, its so afraid of getting hurt again…and the brain takes over and heart stops wishing again, it keeps suppressing the desires, its so insecure and this causes immense suffering in the human that owns this heart…
Thank god we mobiles don’t have a heart to listen to…these humans, even though they appear strong and intelligent outside, when it comes to the matter of their hearts, how fragile they become!
I got to hear the roomie’s story from messages and conversations between him and his female friend. When the heart gets hurt, the brain finds new pastures for the humans to go about! But the heart doesn’t get involved easily in such cases or never gets involved in some cases. The heart and brain do have their clashes of ego. How strange! The way we mobiles and Sims work in harmony, it will be a fact to envy at for you humans!
At night, owners another friend used to take me away…and then I will have to bear the scent of cigarette and at times that of vodka and rum…I hate it actually, but we always remain silent, culpably silent I would say this time. But I won’t blame him, the girl he thought to be his had another boyfriend. His romance was one sided and never really took off. But thank god, both of them were more interested in talking than texting…what you guys call the keypad, had started to wear out and my owner kept replacing the case with a new one…how ridiculous! When you humans face this wear and tear, that’s what you do?
The owner never really got any, so called, interest generating messages…usually Airtel sent him messages asking him to fill money…and he used to do it, more often than not for his friends…he is a useless idiot, I would say, when it comes to his matters… always angry and never really bothers to understand girls or the delicacies and vagaries associated with their mind… and hence Airtel sends him more messages than anyone else…
Even after the unsuccessful one sided story I never really experienced rest…there were other takers with two sided stories to tell…
Even though this guy had a mobile of his own, he used to come to my owner and borrow me for a day or two at times for the free offers! He as well as his mobile was spoiled effluent brats.
Theirs was a 2 sided romance, that’s were I learned a good amount of literature from! but later I got to hear from owner and his other friends’ messages that it didn’t last long… after college this friend was so confused as to how to take this romance further and abandoned her …
And he was smart enough to find solace in fag and booze and brave enough to put the blame on her and escape from himself! Escapisms, the strangest of them would be escaping from oneself!
He didn’t abandon his mobile though, sometimes we are more fortunate…fortunate than few of those humans around…
Towards the end of his final year the owner used to insert different sims on me, thank god we are immune to many of those diseases unlike humans! And there were takers for all these Sims. One of his close friends had a story going on, which was part romance part time pass, stretching into the late nights, when I used to bathe in the moonlight and shiver in the December mist…He used to use a different sim for a different miss !
And then there was this girl who used to take liberties to finish the offer recharges in one day and also trespass into the talktime of the owner! She was so genuine and the owner never said no to her liberties only because of the genuineness she showed towards her romance, but the guy on the other end wasn’t genuine, perhaps it was his own talktime that he was using! Later I got to hear that, this story too ended without any trumpets being blown.
My owner has had many telephonic interviews which I have been through, and he used to screw all of them and used to put the blame on me and the sim….Guys are all alike when it comes to escapisms!
And now I have been plutoed and the owner has one of those sexy models which can sing and wink but he doesn’t have anyone now to send messages or to focus at to wink! Airtel is back to fill his inbox again, Cinderella becomes Cinderella again! That’s the irony that the owner’s life has been all along…now I have reached older fingers. Half of the day I am anesthetized, or switched off in your slang. My case doesn’t get hurt any longer.
I don’t have any stories that ended well to tell, perhaps I am cursed, I hope the new model will script many stories of success, if not for others atleast for the owner, because I always had more stories to tell about others than his.
Few days back he had caused the greatest insult that I have been through and then I knew the time has come to leave these fingers…it was not an insult actually he was just being factual. When one of his friends took me and checked me out, he whispered that this damn thing that I am, is not worthy to be shown to friends, not fit to be displayed among those sleek chicks which his friends possessed…perhaps he didn’t mean to say it, that’s why he whispered ! I am hopeful that the new mobile and its features will help him to shift his focus away from the recent break up he has had. The mind creates such self made elbow crutches to walk without limping…….
There are few stories about the owner worth scripting but I don’t want to share them here, this is my space and I am more or less like him, doesn’t like to play our own music!
But what is a mobiles story with out few quotes and unquotes, to say the least…..?
Vinod: Dood…. How you doing?
“Hey, whats up…I am...…crawling back to life.”
Vinod: Dood….I know how it feels, break up is not easy to deal with, but it’s not impossible to deal with.
“It appears nothing short of impossible now”
Vinod: Anyways, I rang to tell you something else, Our Alex’s dad just passed away. Cardiac Arrest.
“Oh, that’s shocking. Only yesterday, I had talked to Alex and he was sounding perfectly happy. Unexpected”
Vinod: Dood…we need to go, he needs us now
“Yes, yes…I understand, I am ok, I will start in the late night train, see you at his home, be there before the cremation.”
And he went to see Alex and his late Father. When compared to this adversity, his break up doesn’t appear an adversity at all. A bigger crisis always helps you to see through smaller ones…To make a line in the black board look smaller the best way is to draw a bigger line next to it! Perhaps, my owner was benefited by the tragedy at his friend’s home!
Few days later…
“Dood….I now have a new mobile “
Vinod: What did u do with the old one? Donated to some museum?
“Yeah, donated it to something as old as a museum! Dood, as you know, I am emotionally attached to it, not me alone, all those who have used it for atleast 2 days are not going to forget it! The 2100 was like my sibling for the last 4 years, for how many stories it has been the silent partner! I can’t just give it away like that, my mom is using it now. After 4 years, the vibrator won’t shiver It as it used to! “
Place: Men's Hostel A block, top floor, Room No.319
Characters:
PP: Cant reveal the full form of this acronym due to profanity related reasons...I can’t be sure whether kids are reading this with their parents or alone, so can’t recommend parental discretion and hence PP will remain PP...Rahul Dravid is like an unofficial father to PP, PP loves everything about the Wall, (Rahul Dravid-The Wall as he is popularly known...) PP knows everything about the Wall...every record the Wall holds, every match the Wall has played....where does he goes to shop, when he got married, when did his wife conceive...PP is a Wall database!
Jeff: The one who hails from FortKochi, the same place from where Bilal John Kurishingal (the most stylish gunda Malayalam cinema has ever produced, FortKochi is a popular breeding ground of gundas) hails... that would tell you something about Jeff.
But the only visible similarity between the two is that both don't bath...invisible similarities couldn't be ruled out though, but since it was just the first week at hostel, none of us had seen each other in that detail and even though half of the bathrooms didn’t had doors, me and PP would goto bath in the same time and that too during power cuts (thanks to the govt.of kerala, their unending support and encouragement in the field of higher education has many facets, the power cut they provide at night so that people can use the doorless bathrooms in Mens Hostels is just a humble example. And in ladies hostel, we never really got a chance to get that deeper into the LH, we fervently hoped that the govt. was impartial in its unending support in the case of doors!) at night and in the morning when the sun was still under those hills in the east...and as I said we never saw Jeff going to the bathroom...maybe, it will take time !
The New comer: who was 3 weeks late to join the hostel fearing ragging, but ragging was in his destiny! He is a die hard fan of VVS Laxman, and not so fond of Rahul Dravid or-The Award Movie as he is infamously known!
'Sania Mania' is the new comer's version...
I was waiting for the college bus in front of MH... college was 15 minutes away by foot, so we had to be taken in the bus, as there were too many enticements in the way to college in the form of cinemas and eateries and Ladies Hostel, there was every chance that boys wont reach college in 15 minutes, or wont reach college at all in some days! And hence the bus service...
As I was waiting and it was my first day at the hostel, I hardly knew anyone...all new faces...cant distinguish first years from 2nd years and in some cases even from those nerds among final years....nerds never had the history of looks that suited their class, its the same in engineering college as well...All I have heard was to keep away from something called Bruson Harold...yes, his names itself symbolized terror...
The wait for the bus continues, he saw me standing alone, and he appeared to be little older than me, he approached me and smiled...I didn’t smile back, maybe because I was too frightened and smiling back at a senior was against status quo...
I asked him, "S1 S2?”
"Yes" he replied
I was relieved, it was kind of a feeling that occurs when a mallu finds another mallu in Punjab.
"Me, CS and you?”
"Royal Mechs" he replied
Mechanical Engineering fellows had this rare privilege of adding the word Royal as prefix even though they couldn't claim any lineage of that kind...infact the machines in their labs looked so royal that you start suspecting whether the king ruled Uganda or Zimbabwe?
"Did you get any ragging yet? I couldn't resist asking.
"No one caught me yet" he replied lowering his voice
"Beware of this guy called Bruson, Bruson Harold, he is the most dangerous one among seniors” I wanted him to be afraid as well. The mallu in Punjab would obviously warn the other one about the Pakistan which is near by!
"I have also heard about that bugger, will be careful...you have not seen him yet, right?" he asked.
"Yes, I have not seen him yet...have heard that he will rag first years from dusk to dawn"
"Not exactly dusk, from midnight to dawn, maybe...that’s what I heard” he replied
A shiver ran through my spine...But how does this guy know all this? By that time the bus came and my roomies also came running and sat next to me in the bus
PP: "what were you talking to him?”
Jeff: "How did you get the courage to talk to him???"
New Comer: "Why? What happened? He is 1&2 Mech. We were talking about Bruson and how to keep away from him, you guys only told me to be careful of Bruson..."
"Oh, yes but we forgot to tell you how Bruson looks, our mistake" they replied in unison.
New Comer: "Oh, common, I was just warning him to keep away from Bruson..."
PP: "He wouldn't worry about that..."
New comer: "Why?”
Jeff: "Because Bruson doesn't have to be afraid of himself unless he has got some psychological problem!"
New Comer: "Now, what does it mean? Tell me before I get some psychological problem..."
PP: “He is not 1&2 Mech, he was, 3 years back!”
Jeff: "You were talking to Bruson himself"...and Jeff laughed as if he was watching some Mr. Bean movie....
New comer: "I guess, then my problem won’t be psychological alone, it will be physiological as well..."
PP: “and it can get financial as well!”
Jesus...save my soul...what would I do now, go back home and not come back to hostel for...few weeks, maybe? Run away from college? not possible, dad will start ragging me if I do something like that...what to do ?...But why am I calling Jesus when we have countless number of similar ones in our repertoire itself...maybe because the Satan is appearing in the form of Bruson and Bruson Harold doesn't sound Buddhist or Brahmin...!
At college there was this meeting for freshers and few of the parents were also present...the leader of the anti ragging squad- this guy from S7 Civil, who looked anemic as if he had AIDS and was atleast a semester late for haircut, gave a lengthy and hair raising lecture about the activities of antiragging squad, the proud students union, activities of the non existent placement cell etc....
Apparently, freshers should learn to look beyond the hair and concentrate during such hair raising lectures so that they wont get distracted from the main idea the orator is trying to convey, also they should gain courage and return back to hostel after class...I said to myself.
In my room at the hostel I was expecting nightmare long before nightfall but nothing happened that night...no signs of the bloodsucking bruson, only his cousins were at work consuming our blood ...yes, there was no dearth of mosquitoes in our room...
The next day, post midnight we went through the ragging drills for 2 hours, and would you believe it, it was the same anemic-antiragging-orator who ragged us! Height of irony! Maybe this was to give us some idea of what lied ahead or what lied beneath, rather. Yes, the floor below had 35 rooms full of seniors!!!
The next evening...
As every room in the hostel, ours also had four walls...two had shelves to keep our text books and luggages... ofcourse, texts were non existent in S1S2...the third wall was reserved for God , calendar , timetables and spiders which spun their webs in the photos of God. As God himself kept on weaving a web in our lives...we didn’t really restrict the spiders from doing their job...its Men's hostel of a Government college in Northern Kerala, let socialism prevail!
But now, it seems only chaos is gona prevail...in the remaining wall, PP wants to paste Rahul Dravid...The Wall should cover our wall....PP had a few kilos of The Wall's posters, he himself weighed only a few kilos more! and I wouldn't allow The Wall to cover the wall...I want VVS to dominate the wall like he dominates the bowlers in the field...The posters of the 281 by Laxman at the Eden Gardens, that alone was necessary for me to counter the Wall and his non biological son...so this verbal duel was going on between me and PP and suddenly Jeff signaled danger...
"What, is it the warden or princi?" PP asked.
But, then it shouldn't be a danger sign, it should be a sign of surprise! The warden, ever since he was given that post, made it a point to keep away from not only the hostel but from the very panchayat in which the hostel stood...if principal had to visit us then it would be part of some punishment meted out to him by higher authorities...
Jeff: "No, Bruson has come for some clarifications"
PP: "now the Gods in the other wall alone will save you"
And my feelings then...are beyond words.
Bruson came and started with an appetizer...it was the usual stuff, sitting in an imaginary chair for 15 , 20 minutes but he was kind enough to make PP and Jeff do the same along with me...time crawled like a snail....suddenly we heard a knock in the door....who is it? some god-sent angel to save us?...it happened to be the younger brother of Satan called Sahadevan, perhaps this is the season of satans and gods were suffering from loose motion like us(that was something the hostel mess offered for free. perhaps, things had to happen fast inside the toilets until the freshers got used to the toilets and the fragrance that emanated ...the hostel mess ,the toilets, the seniors, the gods...they were all part of a chain which worked in unison ! )...soon bruson was relieved of his serving-appetizer duties and it was time for the 5 course dinner...I cant mention the name of all the dishes that were served in the dinner...however, we were made to... read news papers in the tune of some malayalam melody, demonstrate how hanuman would cross M.G. Road, Jeff was made vishwamitran with the drafter as the instrument to rest his hand and pp was made menaka and made to dance around viswamitran...but menaka failed miserably this time....perhaps a more seductive one was necessary to entice this viswamitran, we were made to piss on a steel glass which was given an electric charge of 2 Volts. As per theory saline water is good conductor of electricity, that night we experienced how good a conductor it was. Even Faraday wouldn't have dreamt of such creative use of electricity! The dinner went on till early morning with few more unmentionables and then bruson was back to serve the dessert...I had to get him 2 packets of Wills from the road side eatery that was open all night and then finish a 20 page assignment for him by Sun rise...oh, this was the financial problem that came after the psychological and physiological ones that PP was mentioning !
PP and Jeff utilized that time to finalise bilateral talks on the partition of the wall... and we finally decided to kick Dravid and Laxman out of the room...and let her come in....the wall was fortunate enough to house her in all known poses...playing and non playing poses. Wow!!! Dravid and Laxman could never have entertained us in such a dimension! She was Sania Mirza...and we named it Sania Mania.
